John Owen-Jones

PATRICK MARMION: The Great British Bake Off Musical (Noel Coward Theatre, London) Verdict: Half-baked sugar rush Bake Off or Master Chef?Sweet or savoury? We're certainly Master Chefs in my household. Not because we're such good cooks, but because our contestants are not supposed to be so unhappy. By comparison, Bake Off is a sugar-based feelgood candy, but this half-baked dramatic spin off proves lethically saccharine and culpably inane.

Based on the judge himself, John Owen-Jones, a dead ringer for Paul, is playing Phil Hollinghurst in the stage performance, which took six years to reach fruition. Paul, who is based on the television series that has been running for 13 years, loves the show and gave him two Hollywood handshakes, according to John. After he gave me two handshakes and promised to bring his mother back, John said: "He gave me two handshakes and said he'd bring his mother back." He's never been to a musical before this one.' As they do in the musical, a group fights it out to be the crowned Bake Off champion.

Since being the most universally beloved display in the world 12 years ago, there have been hundreds of spin-offs and international versions of The Great British Bake Off. But a musical? Even judge Prue Leith thought it was a joke when it was revealed earlier this year that rumors of its growth had spread. "That's got to be nonsense," she says. Well, it wasn't all positive, and the first two weeks of the new show in Cheltenham wasn't exactly positive, but a transfer to London's West End was delayed. Judges Pam and Phil were portrayed by award-winning theatre veterans Rosemary Ashe (Carlotta in the original London production of The Phantom Of The Opera) and John Owen-Jones (voted best-ever Jean Valjean in Les Misérables) as judges Pam and Phil, who have more than a passing similarity to Prue and her co-judge Paul Hollywood. But if a film were to be made of the musical - and let's face it, stranger things have happened - who would Prue and Paul (left) like to play them? Paul shakes his head. He says, 'It's like tripe.' You should eat tripe but not to.' It's edible, but I'd rather not.' So who's his choice? George Clooney (top right) is the president of the United Kingdom (top right). Despite the fact that he is older than me,' he chuckles. What about Prue? (bottom right) I'd like Phoebe Waller-Bridge.' She was nevertheless clumsy and non-coordinated in Fleabag,' says the 82-year-old.